Dating Nightmares

The biggest copout you can use...

Guy-A and Girl-B meet on one of the dating aps on Facebook.

After chatting for a little while Guy-A asked Girl-B out for coffee. Girl-B says she doesn't date. Dating is like sport. Girl-B does not do sport or games.

In reality Girl-B was waiting for someone, (Guy-C), something that was never going to happen, but for her emotional growth she had to experience it. She was seeking a happiness that seemed to elude her. 

She finally realised what was going on with Guy-C, (or the fact that it wasn't him she was pining after), and was able to move on. 

During the 12 months that Girl-B was driving herself insane by analysing the antics of Guy-C, Guy-A paid her compliments and asked her out several times.

Girl-B was used to the fact that people had misguided notions of who she was under the bitch exterior and what she looked like. 

Girl-B consented to going out with Guy-A, in the purpose to burst the bubble of his perception of her.

What happened after that was a bit odd... but they kept on going out.

Girl-B had no idea where she stood with Guy-A as nothing had actually happened between them in that way. It started to do her head in.

She emailed him asking him if he liked her as he was sending mixed signals. He explained that he was very jaded after the end of his marriage and was still trying to work out if he did want to get involved with someone again.

She was pissed off. Why did he keep asking her out and paying her compliments to then say he didn't know if he wanted a relationship or not?

Friends gave advice of go out with other guys, be patient and just have fun. All good advice, but Girl-B couldn't make any of it sit right. She thought she'd been more than patient, she was having fun, that was the problem, and there was no way loyal Girl-B would start dating other guys and confuse the issue even more.

Three months passed.

After a particularly stressful week in her life, Girl-B attended work drinks and had several wines more than she should have. In her dark mood her frustration of the situation with Guy-A compounded. She deleted him off Facebook.

The next morning she knew that she had to address the issue so she emailed him. She told him why she liked him and asked him to be honest about how he felt. 

The next day he replied... it's not you it's me, I'd just like to be friends.

If it's you and not me why did you chase if you really don't want to be in another relationship?

Even though I now know where I stand, I feel like yet again I've done something wrong. My rational self knows I haven't, my inner child thinks differently.

Nice men and other fairytale things...

Okay so I'm being sarcastic... what's new lol

I know nice men exist. I know several guys who fit into that category. I think I've worked out where that 'nice guys finish last' mentality came from though, well maybe :)

When I think of a 'nice guy', I think stable, dependable, even tempered and well nice! I would chance at saying that they don't take a lot of risks, or maybe that should be don't like taking risks. Relationship risks. Risks that involve feelings. They're shy. Guys who fit in the opposite category take risks that they shouldn't. Some would argue about who has more fun, who's got the better outlook on life, etc. I know now, after 40 years on earth, that the latter category will not bring happiness into my life. I finally get it.

But why do nice guys finish last? Nice guys don't take liberties that not-nice guys do. They probably don't realise that the girl they like, likes them back and after a while she gives up simply because she thinks he's not interested in her. Whether that's because of lack of self confidence or shyness I have no idea. I can understand her frustration though.

A hint to all the nice guys out there though... Not all risks are bad, some are good... be daring! Life is not a dress rehearsal!

Okay universe, I consider myself told!

Earlier today...

Free yourself from a past that no longer serves you well and proceed toward the future.

The card in the House of Reputation represents your life's work and legacy, your contribution and what you are to be known for. The card that lands here can give you advice on how to fulfill your role within the Greater Whole.

Death in this position advises you to detach from the old order. You may want to close accounts, complete unfinished tasks, and gather your harvest. It is time to move on. If you cut the cords that have bound you to old ways and outdated conventions, you could free yourself to accept sweeping change. This is not an excuse to reject others or hurt them in any way. It is simply a time to move toward your ultimate interests.

Do not allow nostalgia and outworn loyalties to hold you back. Be willing to go through whatever it takes to get to where you really want to be -- it will be worth it in the long run.

then just now...

The Moon visiting your sign this weekend brings your emotions to the surface, yet this isn't a time to revisit old wounds. It's a period when your dreams can feel within reach. Investing energy in creating romance is worthwhile now, but you don't need to be elaborate about it. Simply show up with an open spirit to make a special connection burn brightly.

It's time to let go of my past hurts and start living life again. Trusting again.

Habits

Some habits die hard. They're the ones that if you could post them to the North Pole you would! One habit I have, I have found very hard to shake. Even though I am aware of it's triggers, I still find myself having the same thoughts over and over again.

It would be a bit of an understatement for me to say that I've been in love with some very dysfunctional men! With that dysfunctionality comes a huge wad of problems. In my field research (ha ha) the biggest one seems to be trust.

There is a state that most people in relationships get themselves into, contentment, trust, security... all that good stuff. Now, the dysfunctional men I've dated haven't been capable of those things. Needless to say I probably wasn't either, because I was waiting for the bubble to burst, sometimes helping it along.

That brings me back to my habit... I think too much and in the past couple of weeks it's been thinking that has been my enemy. Being a thinker is a bit of a double edged sword. I have no problems analysing situations that I am not emotionally attached to, but when I'm a part of those situations it takes me back to do I deserve this? Am I worthy?

Society has completely screwed up what our self worth should be. It dictates that at 40 I must be thin, rich, botoxed within an inch of my life and chase 20 year old tradies, because after all I'm 40, I've got a point to prove! I don't fit into that mould.

As much as I'd love to blame society for the way I think, I know logically I can't. It's my insecurity that leads me to think that way and that's something I have to work through. Until I have, my finger will always be twitching on the delete key just waiting for an escape.

It's complicated

Whilst I'm a firm believer in the fact that life is simple and people make it complicated, I've decided that my life is complicated. Being single in this 'instant' world is difficult at times, especially nearing 40 and being a single parent as well. It's hard to get a happy balance without compromising my responsibilities.

In the first few years after the divorce from my ex husband, he had a string of girlfriends, all of whom were introduced to Isaac. On returning from the weekend with his father, Isaac would announce that daddy had a new girlfriend or that they weren't going out anymore. For a child, all that information seemed a bit too much. He was still trying to work out why we weren't together, without tossing other people into the equation every few weeks to confuse things.

As a knee jerk reaction, I've done the opposite. I guess I have chosen to make my life more complicated for myself by trying to shield him from the drama of my dating nightmares so to speak. Another issue I have is that I don't want to have Isaac babysat while I do go out on dates. I don't know whether it's an act of martyrdom that I've gained from my mother in the rebellion of her believing that I would be palming Isaac off here and there or just an act of sacrifice on my part. 

On the flip side, once I'm comfortable with someone and the direction the relationship is going in, I have no problems with introducing them to him or getting a baby sitter for that matter.

I guess, until that point... it's complicated!

Questions Vs. Answers

Over the last few weeks I've been enlightened by my behaviour of the past year. Sometimes in our lives we have to accept that our perceptions of things are not always correct. Sometimes we put relationships on pedestals when they shouldn't actually be.

As usual there's a story to go along with my epiphany... it's a long one so please bare with me.

14th December 2007 I asked the universe a question. To my surprise I instantly got an answer of two years. To say I was pissed off would be a huge understatement. Hysterical would be closer. I'm sure there was a bit of maniacal laughing/crying at that moment too. (Followed by me getting drunk and writing a very poem of exactly how sad, desperate and unloved I felt and emailing it to him.)

Now the irony lies in the question, which also requires some explaining. When we broke up (on the phone) there was a moment when everything went still. We both stopped crying and there was this immense sense of peace between us. All of a sudden I felt someone sit next to me on the bed and hold my arm and comfort me. She said to me 'everything will be ok' over and over. Of course translated, to me, at that time, everything will be ok is you'll get back together and live happily ever after. Six months later, still grieving the loss of what I'd deemed in my head the perfect relationship, I asked the universe "when will everything be ok?"

I met this guy Davidon Facebook... he liked me, but that was it. It was going to go no further. But for some reason I couldn't walk away. He'd always reappear... because I let him.

My heart started to heal. I realised that Geoff wasn't perfect.

David was still filling the hand holding void, then I realised I'd been doing this for a year and that I didn't want to do it for another year.

Because I'd believed that Geoff was going to come back into my life, I had been content with my friendship with David. In a way that helped me to heal so many past wounds without the need to be courted and get more wounds.

I gave David an ultimatum at the end of last year. I wanted to meet and see if there was anything there. He had three days to respond. Needless to say he didn't respond and I lived lol The ultimatum was also dealt to me, in three days I had consented not only to saying goodbye to David but to Geoff and the old me.

Our relationship had been far from perfect but it was as perfect as I had experienced. Now I seek perfection :)

Baby are you down down down down?

Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, down,
Even if the sky is falling down,
Down, down
Ooh (ohhh)

You oughta know, tonight is the night to let it go,
Put on a show, i wanna see how you lose control,

So leave it behind ’cause we, have a night to get away,
So come on and fly with me, as we make our great escape.

So baby don’t worry, you are my only,
You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,
You’ll be my only, no need to worry,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Even if the sky is falling down,

Just let it be, come on and bring your body next to me,
I’ll take you away, hey, turn this place into our private getaway,

So leave it behind ’cause we, have a night to get away,
So come on and fly with me, as we make our great escape.

So baby don’t worry, you are my only,
You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,
You’ll be my only, no need to worry,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Even if the sky is falling down,

Even if the sky is falling down like she supposed to be,
She gets down low for me,
Down like her temperature, ’cause to me she zero degree,
She cold, overfreeze,
I got that girl from overseas,
Now she my miss America,
now can i be her soldier please,
I’m fighting for this girl,
On the battlefield of love,
Don’t it look like baby cupid sending arrows from above,
Don’t you ever leave the side of me,
Indefinitely, not probably,
and honestly im down like the economy,
Yeahhhhhh

So leave it behind ’cause we, have a night to get away,
So come on and fly with me, as we make our great escape,

(So why don’t we run away)

So baby don’t worry, you are my only,
You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,
You’ll be my only, no need to worry,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Even if the sky is falling down

I'm still waiting... I've been called mad and insane. Sometimes you have to follow that overwhelming gut feeling and just let go :)

Nostalgia or fear?

I'm footloose and fancy free this week. Isaac is with his father for the week and I have the week off work. Days are easy to fill, nights not so. Nostalgia reins.

A couple of months ago I realised that the contentment that I had previously delighted in, had left me. It has been replaced by a restlessness that I have never experienced before. I don't know if it's the fact that in 5 months I will be 40 or maybe the fact that I have given up hope of ever having another child. The latter being a very bitter pill to swallow.

In this digital age we fill our lives with so much stuff. We're contactable by home phone, work phone, work email, home email(s), personal mobile, work mobile, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, etc, etc, etc. All these things keep us busy, so much so that when we step back we don't quite know what to do.

That's where I am. I have stepped back to be filled with nostalgia and uncertainty of what lies ahead.

So... I took this week off to re-centre. My thoughts consuming me too much, (and I was being too much of a bitch), I decided to take time out. My issue is, now that I have time out, I don't want to do what I know I should. Meditate.

I've talked a lot on here about the spiritual stuff that I have experienced. Whether you believe in God, a God, in a sheep, goat or holy chocolate, I'm sure anyone can relate to that feeling of fear when you seek an authority figure for guidance, not knowing what you're going to told.

Tomorrow I am going to get up early, go watch the sun rise and find my place in the universe again.

How do you re-centre?

Is it really my fault?

Over my 39 years I have often taken responsibility for things that were not my fault. From an early age I was a peace seeker.I'd try and avert arguments around me by biting my tongue and not having an opinion. This is the exact opposite of how I am now. I don't go searching for fights and arguments by any stretch but I voice my opinion.

Last week I came across a guy, who for the purpose of this blog will be referred to as Max, on Facebook. (Max actually suits his attitude LOL) Anyway, I've spoken to Max before, just over 12 months ago. He was in a very bad place back then, his wife had said she had been unhappy in their marriage for years and left him. Very shortly after that a younger boyfriend appears on the scene for her. His confidence was non-existent and he didn't really feel like he had a reason to live.

Back then I wasn't in the happiest place emotionally either. I was feeling quite negative about my lot in life and was pissed off with the powers that be, that not only was I expected to befriend lost souls and help them find their way but that in order to get close to them I had to open myself up as well. My heart felt raw for a very long time.

My dating/boy crush history is littered with guys like Max. I'll explain... Max appealed to me for several reasons. He can spell, he's intelligent and he's a bad boy. I'm not quite sure which sucks me in more lol!

Max and I became friends again. To me the whole situation was doomed from the start, and I waited for my brain to speak outwardly. Max lives on the other side of Australia and has no intention of moving, and well neither do I. A 9 hour flight for a booty call is excessive in my opinion, and in reality that's all it could be.

After a few days, what I've learnt in the past year came out. I told him that whilst I enjoyed chatting to him, I wasn't a booty call girl and was quite content on waiting for Mr Perfect. In a controlled way he got angry with me. He wasn't looking for booty, he wanted more, and I had it all wrong, as I did before and he wasn't going to do this again.

I sat there staring at the screen for a few minutes, opening and shutting my mouth. I found myself typing an apology that I got no response to. I felt guilty. He wasn't going to talk to me again. It was all my fault.

I turned the computer off and started to think about it. Rationally. If he had in fact wanted something other than sex, he would not have dismissed me the way he did. There was no blame to be had. We want different things. I was okay with that but he wasn't.

Something twigged with me. I realised I wasn't upset. I hadn't taken the blame for something that wasn't my fault.

Of course, now, I'm wondering how many more reminders I have to endure before I get to Mr Perfect... but I'm not anxious about it anymore.

Patience

I've been very quiet lately on here, for various reasons, work, Isaac and fear of uncertainty. That uncertainty pushed me into a dark place that I'm finally starting to recover from. I know it's all part of the lesson I'm learning, but that knowledge doesn't make it any easier to swallow.

Also the fact that Facebook seems to want to rub in the fact that I'm dysfunctional doesn't help. When suggestions of people to add come up I get scared. Over the past month I think just about every boyfriend I've had in my life has popped up. I don't find this amusing at all. Especially the last one, who wasn't a boyfriend, I didn't even meet him because he became stalkerish after one telephone call (not to mention during that call he said he liked to follow people in the mall for fun) which was the last time I went on RSVP lol His photo on Facebook was a wedding photo of him and his new wife. You've got to be fucking kidding!!! That was a VERY low point for me. Complete nutjob can find girl friend and get married and I'm still single. What is wrong with me?

When I worked at the council I used to train a lot of people. Apparently, I was good at it. I was patient. I love working with kids as well. Unfortunately, when it comes to my own life I'm not so patient. I want instant gratification. Whilst I know that is not always possible I still get frustrated by it.

Just over two years ago I learnt that the lesson I needed to learn was patience. How that card frustrated me because I knew that it would be very hard. It's harder than I imagined.

When I was a child I accepted authority for what it was. If I disagreed, I did so internally, which created it's own set of problems. As an adult I learnt to not internalise those feelings and started questioning everything, which in turn led me to be divorced at 30.

Because I have such an analytical mind it's so hard to sit back and watch 'things' unfold when those 'things' have all my hopes and dreams tied up in them. It's actually distressing. I can step in and mess things up or sit back and be patient and have my dreams answered. Gee, hard choice...which one would you pick? No one in their right mind would pick the first option. I mean it's happiness vs solitude. It's all very rational, until you add your feelings in there.

So now we have to add into the equation emotions. Emotions of a 39 year old single mum who longs to have more children and is now very discontent being single, me. My emotions.

These two facets of my personality often clash. Thinking vs feeling. I can look at any issue with logic and solve it rationally but if I'm involved I turn into a puddle of emotion. Now I must say at this point that this REALLY pisses me off. I don't like the uncertainty that my lesson of patience puts me in. I don't like it at all. I know I am more patience than I once was, more tolerant, more understanding and less hot headed. But that doesn't stop the frustration and loneliness.

Last night while I was brooding, which seems to have become one of my favourite passtimes, is a good friend saying, "it shouldn't be so hard if it's really meant to be", and a soft still voice said back, "it will be until you've gained patience". Which is great... I'm now hearing voices and I disagree with them too!!

I think it's the lack of power I feel that makes me feel so melancholic. Two things keep resounding in my mind... Broken Dreams and "The will of the universe will never take you where the universe will not protect you."

Other than the patience card that I keep getting, I keep getting one that says you are safe the angels will protect you, you will not come to any harm. And as I was typing this it just sunk in what those cards really mean.

Valuable lessons learnt are never easy... but they are the most worthwhile.